I Am Not Okay, But That's Okay

First things first, I want to apologize for my inactivity. When I made this blog, I fully intended  the theme to be inspirational posts about overcoming various difficulties in my life, but due to recent events I have been unable to find inspiration in the wake of a devastating loss.

 

On February 14th, 2018, my world came crashing down on me. Caitee, my amazing girlfriend of four years, made the decision to part ways after a lengthy back and forth concerning our future. I have been heartbroken in the past, but this has easily hurt me more than anything I have ever been through.

 

With previous break ups, my overwhelming fear of being alone propelled me into a state of despair. I couldn’t stand the thought of being by myself, and when they left I fought with all my heart to regain their companionship because I did not believe anyone else would want me. This was not the case when she left me.

 

I do not care about the fact that I am alone. I have an abundance of friends to lean on, and I know that I could find another girl tomorrow if I really wanted to. I don’t miss the feeling of companionship, I miss the person… I miss her with every fiber of my being. In previous relationships, I was manipulative, toxic, and overwhelmingly concerned with my needs, and my partners were no better than I. But with her, everything changed.

 

Caitee taught me what it truly meant to love and be loved by someone. She showed me all of the beautiful qualities I held inside of me, she inspired me to work on my flaws and follow my dreams, no matter how hard it was to move forward. She was my partner, my best friend, my favorite human. With her at my side, I was able to shed my toxic behaviors, find the self confidence I needed to pursue my music with everything I have, and evolve into a person I can be truly proud of.

 

In return, I learned how to care for someone on a level I had never experienced. I had always been a selfish person before I met her, only concerned with what others could do for me and how I felt. However, when I fell in love with her, and I mean truly felling love with her, her happiness became my number one priority. More than anything, I wanted to make her understand how beautiful of a person she was, mind, body, and soul. Not for any selfish reason, but because I believed with all my heart she was the most amazing person this world has ever seen and I couldn’t stand the thought of her not thinking highly of herself. I did not love her for any selfish reason, I simply loved her because of the person she was.

 

Despite my belief that we were meant to be and the deep love she held for me, she had always felt something was missing. She rarely vocalized it, and when she did we chalked it up to commitment issues. While that played a role, it  unfortunately went much deeper than that. No matter how many memories we shared, no matter how happy she appeared to be, our relationship never felt right for one reason she could never change. Simply put, she was not in love with me.

 

We tried therapy. We tried taking breaks. We tried an open relationship, taking marriage off the table, anything and everything to avoid putting an end to something that meant so much to both of us. But alas, nothing would change the fact that she could not see herself spending the rest of her life with me. So on February 14th, 2018, the greatest love I had ever known ceased to be, and I haven’t seen her since.

 

I have tried writing post after post, deleting them in disgust after failing to find inspiration in my darkest days. How could I write something genuinely positive when my heart is in so much agony? How could I speak on overcoming adversity when I cannot get through a single day without falling to the floor and bawling my eyes out? How could I stand on my soapbox and tell you all that everything will be okay when I cannot sleep through the night without a fifth of whiskey coursing through my veins?

 

It wasn’t until last night, when my mother was holding me while I was weeping at the same table Caitee and I shared so many memories at that it hit me: I am not okay, but that’s okay. I don’t have to have healed from my wounds to inspire others. Doing things like getting out of bed in the morning, hanging out with my friends, performing at shows, all without her, are the definition of overcoming adversity.

 

Despite the most gut wrenching pain I have ever felt, I have survived the 41 days that have passed since she left. I will survive the 42nd day as well. The 43rd and 44th day will likely hurt just as much, but I know that I have to keep surviving until the day I am waiting for comes. Sooner or later, whether it is the 100th or the 1000th day, I will wake up and not feel this overwhelming pain any more. Until that day, not being okay is okay with me.